Posted by: shotgunfacelift | September 28, 2009

5 Types of Blogs you should be killed for creating

I don’t like blogs, much. That may sound paradoxical, since I’m writing this on a blog, but yes. Moving on.

Out of all the blogs I’ve read (many) I’m surprised, shocked and most importantly, appalled to report that a vast majority of them are filled with nothing. Paragraph upon paragraph of meaningless, hollow, abstract textual excrement. I can tell you use a Macintosh from the tonality of your writing, you fucking faggot.

Chronic idyllic misanthropic delusions parotid gland melancholy waters - This blog post is going to be awesome!

Chronic idyllic misanthropic delusions parotid gland melancholy waters - This blog post is going to be awesome!

While ‘reading’ (assuming reading to be used in the context of actual visual comprehension, which is impossible reading the ‘conventional’ blog.) these blogs, I can’t help but to wonder how anyone could conjure up such rubbish – even in their sleep – of the kind I’d find on most blogs.

I’m going to dedicate this post to the types of blogs I hate, with a passion – and by default, this hate extends to the authors of such blogs. I’d like nothing more than to see you burn.

1. The Teenage girl: Posts consist of the monotonous day to day activities of yet another teenage girl. Common keywords: Boyfriend, text messages, headache, ‘girlfriends’, clothes, shoes, lists of her favourite songs, what she ate for breakfast,Β  periods and everything in between.

These bloggers should be brutally mashed into a pulp with a herring.

Soooo today I had eggs in the morning (and period pains and a headache :( OUCH!) hehe and then this guy came over hes so cuuuuteee.. (ad infinitum)

Soooo today I had eggs in the morning (and period pains and a headache 😦 OUCH!) hehe and then this guy came over he's so cuuuuteee.. (ad infinitum)

2. The ‘poet’: A blog slotted into this category presents a horrendous repertoire of ‘poetry’ not fit to be read by man or beast just for you. I can’t begin to imagine what kind of people would actually read through such blogs. Infact, I’ve become so accustomed to not reading these pages that if I visit a blog and see text organised in the fashion of verses and so on, I’m out of there before you can say ‘motherfucker’.

T.S Eliot - Turning in his grave since 2001.

T.S Eliot - Turning in his grave since 2001.

3. The Amateur Photographer: I can’t express in words how much I hate these people. I want to deliver to them an inconcievable amount of pain immediately. On their blogs, you’ll usually find photo’s of drab inanimate objects in the obligatory sepia or black and white tone.

That apple on your desk isn’t fucking cool.

Not cool.

Not cool.

4. The Pseudointellectual: I’ve often wondered how one distinguishes between an intellectual and the half baked version of the aforementioned. I came to the conclusion that you just know. It isn’t hard, take this classic example of pseudointellectualism for example.

“Strolling on a trodden road the pavement approaches with it’s edges falling down into rubble, rubble into water into earth. I remove the wall of text from my eye, sway it down gently till the pages collapse into each other and a stride towards the four-paned window.”

Simply sublime, to the eyes of a brain damaged 5 year old, maybe. The authors of such blogs will usually own a Macintosh computer, turtleneck sweaters, a pair of thick rimmed glasses and a big fucking mouth.

02turtleneck

Strolling on the trodden road, the pavement approaches..

5. The Lister: Assumes a horrid likeness to tabloid newspapers, and churns out blog posts such as ‘7 things you wouldn’t want to be caught doing at work’, ‘9 things you wouldn’t want to be fucked in the arse with’. Give it a rest, man.

This concludes this article. Don’t forget; I hate you.

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Responses

  1. Oh Hai! Hands down, your list just took out some of the best blogging stereotypes that are just begging to be ridiculed. And Macs do suck. iBarf

    • The whole ‘scene’ surrounding Macs just brings my pee to a boil.

      • Conserve and mark each Mac as your own territory.

  2. funnnnyy!

    but you do realize this post falls under category number 5 right?

    • I do. I thought I’d throw some irony into the mix :H

  3. I enjoyed this post even more when I realized that my blog doesn’t fit any of the above (err, well not entirely at any rate, and where it does I shall rise above the insult and pretend you-didn’t-say-it-to-me). πŸ™‚

  4. Random association, your blog reminded me of this:

    http://xebiliciouss.blogspot.com/2009/04/dear-blogdom-let-me-begin-by-clarifying.html

    • Why though, should I be offended? Am I the beginner with the untweaked theme?

  5. Haha no. I assume whatever set you off on this particular piece was similar to what motivated me. But no offence meant. And no allusions either πŸ™‚

  6. You make me go “wtf”

    • Is that a compliment?

    • She means you don’t make her go OMGWTFAWESOME and only WTF. GTFO nau.

  7. My favourite kind of blogs to hate are those ones where people who hate things congratulate each other for hating the same thing and completely miss the irony of being just as cliched as the thing they hate.


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