Posted by: shotgunfacelift | October 27, 2009

Small talk is bullshit

You know what’s bullshit? Small talk.

It’s so common nowadays. Even greetings have become clichés. You get things like ‘What’s up’ which have predetermined answers. ‘Nothing much’ says the recipient followed by ‘You?’ – ‘Same here’.

What purpose does that serve? Skip the introductions, get right to it. Don’t make me wade through ten minutes of superficial rubbish each time we meet.

You know you do it.

Back when I was in school I’d always get the tried and trusted ‘What did you do over the weekend?’ – I mean, really. I don’t know if it was just me, but I wouldn’t get up to much, even if I did – would you really want to hear about it? People expect you to have all these grand stories to questions like those. If I was brutally honest, I’d tell them I slept, watched a film, sat on my lazy arse and did fuck all. Do you really want to hear that? Do you?

Small talk always seems to be self terminating. Like, for example – ‘The weather is nice, isn’t it?’ – That ‘isn’t it?’ at the end basically implies that you have declared it to be nice. All I can possibly do is agree with you if I don’t want to come off as a pedantic wanker and go ‘No, define nice’ or some shit like that.

Other examples would include me saying something like ‘So yeah, yesterday I went down to the cinema and watched <film>’ to which the other wanker  would say ‘Cool’, ‘Nice’ or ‘Mhm’. What potential does that have conversation? Of course it’s fucking cool. Everything is cool nowadays.

By the way, cool is such a redundant term, stop using it. It’s extremely fucking lame and makes you sound like you’ve been time warped straight from the 90’s, back when chewing bubblegum, denim shorts and wearing a baseball cap backwards were ‘cool’.

In conclusion:

Don’t ask me about how my studies are. Don’t ask me about how my day went (It went shitty, you know that already). Don’t ask me about what I think of the weather. Don’t ask me about what I did over the weekend. Unless you actually care about what I did.

Be tactful.

Instead of asking what I did over the weekend, tell me what YOU did over the weekend. That’ll get me talking about what I did. It’s called conversation you cocksuckers. Learn how to do it or sew your mouths shut.

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Responses

  1. Hey, what’s up? (just kidding). Your blog is the only thing that made me laugh today, man, keep it up. Great points made.

  2. hey man. I think you mentioned somewhere that you’re from peshawar. If that’s true, hope you’re ok.

  3. How about a raw, shameless, Shalwar-kameez-esque, crazy but not dumb, dark-ish documentary about Boom Boom Peshawar?

    Just a thought. I just needed someone else to fantasize about it with me. I mean it to form itself by the sheer power of thoughts.

  4. Show more enthusiasm. That won’t work.

    I’m talking about something like a travel show, inviting tourists to visit Peshawar in its most exciting season, asking random questions from people somewhere deep in Qissa Khawni.

    Get a clearer picture?

  5. I hate small talk. One, I’m really lazy and two it’s so pretentious and lame and pointless too. Who cares how one’s doing and who gives a shit if it’s raining or not. Esp in grocery stores. I know the store guys are being courteous but really skip it and give me my change.

  6. I am relatively new here. But i find your writing really amazing, composed and witty. Love Randall Munroe too.

  7. whoever you are, you write well… to my disappointment, i see you no longer write? this is a tragedy… have seen your posts already on some other blogs so i’d rather you devote adequate ink to the issues affecting the masses.. don’t quit.!

    • Sorry for the huge delay. I write something every now and then, but to me it seems like there’s no benefit to having a regularly updated blog, otherwise I’d be up for updating it quite often. Thanks for the comments, by the way.


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